So I’ve had a lot on my mind today. I guess these last few days.

I moved in with my boyfriend – the most wonderful man on the planet – last week. Every day since has been lovely, mostly assembling Ikea furniture and bickering over it, but lovely none the less.

I worry constantly about not being good enough for him.. does he love me like I love him? With all of his heart and an aching passion? I’m not sure. Maybe. Does he ever think about leaving me? God what if he does, what would I do without him?

A million things cross my mind every minute of every day just about this one person. Feeling everything with all your might really sucks sometimes.

Sometimes I think his family doesn’t like me too, maybe because of the mental illness, though they don’t know what exactly it is. I think he might be afraid to tell them, or embarrassed. And maybe I would be if I were him, and my family were like his. I thought his sister might understand, maybe we would get on. But she misunderstood me, said the wrong thing about me and I blocked her in anger (classic BPD, classic me). So I’ve completely burned that bridge.

I’ve been trying to mend it but I don’t think I can, now I’m panicking about whether this will ruin us.. what if she hates me?

Why do I get so wound up about people not liking me? This is life, not everyone is going to like me. But it gives me knots in my stomach and makes me want to puke. God, will life be like this forever? Will I ever just be able to function on a day to day basis without this shit?

-N