Being with someone who loves you with no conditions is weird – like, someone who doesn’t want you to change any part of who you are or compromise yourself for them. It feels almost not real. I feel like he loves me as much as I love him, and he just does. I didn’t have to make him like me, pretend or be fake to make him interested like I have so many times. It’s mutual? I feel like I’m trapped inside a cave of anxiety about the whole thing. Like rocks are going to start falling down the walls of the cave in an avalanche. Dating my best friend is everything I thought it would be, and that’s scary. I don’t want the walls to cave in on us.

Have I just stayed in an unhappy relationship for 2 years out of.. obligation? I think I felt like I had to force it to work – it was so hard in the first place. So hard for us to get there. I didn’t want to be with someone who I had to force to love me, he loved me now. Obsessed with me now. But every time he did something to make me feel like crap, my love for him lessened and lessened. Moved out yesterday, finally got the balls. Moved in with my best friend in the world, someone I’ve been in love with for years. Hopefully I don’t fuck this up..

God I don’t know if I can live like this anymore

So I’ve had a lot on my mind today. I guess these last few days.

I moved in with my boyfriend – the most wonderful man on the planet – last week. Every day since has been lovely, mostly assembling Ikea furniture and bickering over it, but lovely none the less.

I worry constantly about not being good enough for him.. does he love me like I love him? With all of his heart and an aching passion? I’m not sure. Maybe. Does he ever think about leaving me? God what if he does, what would I do without him?

A million things cross my mind every minute of every day just about this one person. Feeling everything with all your might really sucks sometimes.

Sometimes I think his family doesn’t like me too, maybe because of the mental illness, though they don’t know what exactly it is. I think he might be afraid to tell them, or embarrassed. And maybe I would be if I were him, and my family were like his. I thought his sister might understand, maybe we would get on. But she misunderstood me, said the wrong thing about me and I blocked her in anger (classic BPD, classic me). So I’ve completely burned that bridge.

I’ve been trying to mend it but I don’t think I can, now I’m panicking about whether this will ruin us.. what if she hates me?

Why do I get so wound up about people not liking me? This is life, not everyone is going to like me. But it gives me knots in my stomach and makes me want to puke. God, will life be like this forever? Will I ever just be able to function on a day to day basis without this shit?

-N

Not some profound question about life but just an introduction to this blog, if it reaches anyone.

I need to outlet some emotions, this feels almost the equivalent of writing my feelings on a blank instagram post and putting them out there for all the world to see.

Except here everyone is a stranger and not someone known to me, which makes it more comforting. I’ve been posting on my own personal socials about BPD and coming to terms with having it. But I fear that people aren’t as accepting as I think, so I thought this may be a better way to express myself – and also offer myself out to people who maybe need to talk too.

-N

• 

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.